just the same as yesterday but a little better rehearsed

2011-11-27T23:18:00.002-06:00

He has been home 10 days. I am not happy - not happy at all.

I honestly don't know which bits are in my head and which bits are actual problems. He does not appear to have the emotional stamina to have a fucking conversation. We do "small talk" all day every day. We've had a couple of *good* conversations.

I'm fucking tired of this. When's it go'n' be my turn?

Re: The Catholic Church

2011-11-09T23:05:00.000-06:00

Why are they retranslating from the Latin? WTF?

Of course, I'm not sure I will emotionally be very happy with whatever the reasoning is as I have issues with hugely bureaucratic penis clubs intent on writing long lists of rule pertaining to my relationship with the Divine and aspects of my life and salvation.

I know that it's more complicated than all this but as far as I can boil it down, Jesus cancels the Old Testament and his entire message in the New Testament is "Don't be a dick".

2011-10-04T21:43:00.002-05:00

From Nerimon, via John Green. (Look it up. It's worth it.)

1) Tell us about your first kiss
I was four. We were "playing Sleeping Beauty". Of course, when I say that, I mean we were just doing the kissing part because we were surprisingly sexualized children. I can't speak for anyone else, but I was never (as my mother euphamistically puts it) "interfered with". I was just obsessed with sex. ...unlike now... What can I say, Childhood sexuality is serious business.

Adam, Andrea and I.

I thought Andrea was the better person for the kissing. She was older (by two weeks), knew more things (I was somewhat sheltered, if somewhat means I was raised in a cave on Mars, under a rock, with my fingers in my ears) and she was shy about it so I had to. 9 years later, Adam and I were "dating" (but we didn't talk about it in public because he didn't want anyone in the class to know) (a recurring theme in my relationships) and kissing up a storm. If I had known more and had access to birth control, I would have felt ready to engage in coitus. As it was, we practically did everything but.

2) What is the most expensive casual item of clothing you've ever bought?
I don't even know. I don't know that I've spent more than $100 on an article of clothing. My wedding dress (the dress I signed papers in) cost $60. I need to spend more on clothes and have better quality.

3) What was the first job you ever wanted as a kid?
I wanted to be a doctor, I though. But not so much a doctor, as a dominatrix. My fantasies included doing things with "patients" sexually with me in a position of power. I didn't know Dommes were a thing. Good think I wasn't surrounded by people who knew what questions to ask.

I remember a lot more sex in my childhood than I think children probably need to be thinking about.

4) Tell us about your group of school friends
I had less friends and more acquaintances. I'm the same way today. I'll help you out if things are going poorly but I'm not likely to ask for help or really want to hang out, when things are going well. I'm the opposite of a fair weather friend. Call me when the shit hits the fan.

5) What would you name your kids?
I don't even know. That is a complicated question.

2011-09-28T09:13:00.002-05:00

Dear Fashion,

I get it. We're never going to be good friends. I just don't think enough about how other people see me to hang out with you every day.

But we need to have a talk.

I attend formal functions. It's part of my job. I'm also what you would consider pudgy, dumpy and overweight. I'm mostly okay with this, because, well, I'm not changing anything and I don't like to be sad.

This idea you have that dressing skinny people is fun is nice for you but the formal functions I attend are also attended by other women. Most are not skinny. Most are squishy in lovely places. All of them, though - ALL of them are snarky.

Wrapping a red sheet around a model and making a shoulder poof is not going to cut it. I'm sure the young woman pictured is a lovely young lady but this is not what I consider your best effort.

My options, if one can even call them options, are:
1) Dresses designed for skinny people
2) Dresses designed to humiliate a bride's friends
3) not attending the function.

I've been a good sport about this. I've made the best of a bad situation. This has got to stop. We are going to work on a cease-fire and establish a no-man's land. I'm slowly backing away from you and towards my own sewing machine. I'm going to attempt to find a middle ground.

AND I'M GOING TO BE USING PROPER STRUCTURE AND FOUNDATIONS IN THESE THINGS. YOUR APPARENT LACK OF CONCERN FOR BONING AND GIRDLE NEEDS IS APPALLING.

Respectfully,
Moi

I picture Lily Tomlin reading it on a blank stage. She does amazing work, you know?

2011-07-08T22:27:00.002-05:00

Hello? Is this the complaints department? I'd like to file a complaint.

I don't remember signing up for this so this might be a mistake, anyway.

I'm a grown up; an "adult", if you will. I don't remember ticking that box when I signed the contract.

Someone has gone and left me in charge. I have all the answers. I'm the one people dump their problems on. I am the one who, without staying late, helps the company grind to a halt. It was I that sent someone home sick and I, again, who approved a request of someone to go home early.

This is ridiculous. I mean, I know I'm not on the "kiddy-contract" anymore but this is getting out of hand. I have a husband. I run a household. I deal with suppliers. I make decisions with thousands of dollars. People look to me for advice. When does it stop?

All my life, they tell me that one does not just wake up one day and flick a switch and become an adult, but that is certainly what it feels like has happened here.

I'm just checking with you to see if there's been a mix up in my account? Are you certain that *this* is the right life?

No, no. I like the husband; certainly I don't want a different one. This one seems to fit my habits and prejudices.

No, I find the work fulfilling most of the time. It's challenging but usually to my skill level. I'm not sure that changing that would be the answer.

Mostly, I just wanted to check, has something - anything - been entered wrong on my file? Is this really my life?

Because I don't want to get used to this and find out there's been a mistake.

Is it possible to get this noterized, in some way? I wouldn't want someone to do an audit and realize there's been a mistake and put in for a recall.

Things I do like

2011-07-02T08:19:00.000-05:00

Djruuh's existance

Mitch hedberg's jokes (See I'm a dreamer, man, and when I was a cook I'd always work with people who weren't dreamers. Like, I was cooking at this restaurant and I put a hot dog on the grill and my kitchen manager came over, and he said, "Mitch, put the hot dog up here, in the right hand corner of the grill, so in case you get a whole bunch of orders at once you have all this space available." See that's how I knew he wasn't a dreamer, 'cause the day I give up my dreams is the day I have strategic grill locations. A dreamer has a philosophy: The entire grill is hot.)

Other stuff

THINGS I DON'T LIKE

2011-07-01T20:00:00.002-05:00

The fucking rattle in the front end when I turn. I don't know what compression arms are but I want that to fucking stop.

The fucking rattle in the front end when I brake. I don't know if it's the same thing but I fucking hate it.

The fucking way the fucking car fucking loses traction when I corner quickly. Why are you making me drive like a pussy, Car? Huh? What the fuck is your fucking problem?

The sounds of my neighbour maintaining his house. Every fucking day. Every. Day. Fucking stop washing your shit and mowing your shit. The fact that you have the fucking energy and drive to take care of your stuff pisses me off.

That there is fucking rubble every fucking where in this fucking house. Sure, the roommate's ex's stuff is fucking gone BUT HE STILL LEFT SHIT IN EVERY ROOM. I had this place fucking tidy and now it's not.

Stubbing my fucking toe.

The fucking sun. It's up way too fucking early and goes to bed way too fucking late right now. In winter, it sleeps the fuck in and then begs off at a fucking half day. Fuck you, Sun. Make up your fucking mind.

That Djruuh wanted to not tell anyone for a while that we were engaged AND THEN HE TOLD THE FUCKING ARMY AND THEN MY COWORKER TOLD EVERY FUCKING OTHER FUCKING PERSON. Yeah. I fucking resent not being able to tell people my own good news. Do you know how much I resent being told to keep shit a secret and then someone FUCKING TELLS EVERYONE?

That I was trying to maintain secrecy of the fact I got married so I could tell people myself but ONCE A-FUCKING-GAIN my coworker fucking scooped me. I resent people not letting me fucking deal with my own fucking news. I really fucking resent it.

I resent that I've moved twice without Djruuh's help and that I'll have to do it a third time.

I resent that I had to be the impetus for Djruuh to move out of his place and now his shit is everywhere. No, I'm not really interested in moving it all out of the fucking SUV myself nor do I really appreciate that I have a massive fucking pile of fucking clothing on my floor. I DON'T LIKE DEALING WITH MY OWN SHIT WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME YOURS TO DEAL WITH TOO

That Djruuh didn't get his request for $$$ into the clerks in time for them to deal with it. I'm not even in the fucking army and I know that two weeks notice isn't enough for them. Now I have to deal with the SUV right now so that I can get money from MPI to pay for the trip that he is supposed to be taking care of in totality.

I DON'T LIKE MY HAIR TOUCHING ME

I don't like that I've gained weight while Djruuh has been gone.

I hate the faint sound of whistling I can hear right now.

I hate the high-pitched sqeaky voices of children shrilly shreeking at each other.

I hate that the fucking TV won't fucking change the fucking channel without fucking thinking about it.

I'm going to choke a bitch shortly. Very, very shortly.

Re: Homeownership

2011-06-25T20:55:00.000-05:00

Mio Innamorato,

We are at an interesting time, economically. I've been watching prices and wages for the past decade and a half and have started to wonder how the system is going to cope. Inflation has increased prices and wages have not kept suite. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JTzMqm2TwgE)

When I was younger, I heard about currency devaluation, especially in post-WWII Germany. Stories of it taking a suitcase of money to afford a pair of shoes. I have been wondering when it would happen here. All signs point to a global-scale economic shit-show shortly.

Broke countries are being called upon to prop up other broke countries' economies. For someone with more than a passing interest in economics, it is an indication that as crazy as the apocalypse sounds, it's just around the corner.

I have felt strongly for some time that self-sufficiency is one of the ways to maintain a health and appropriate way of life. If you are not averse to this, then this is what I would like to work towards with you, along with financial independence. I would like to learn to sew well, grow food and prepare more things from scratch. I would like us to learn home construction and maintenance, automobile maintenance, etc.

Additionally, I would like us to live on land which can help us sustain our selves. This brings me to the original link which sparked this letter. http://www.getrichslowly.org/blog/2007/07/16/renting-vs-buying-the-realities-of-home-buying/ I agree with this author that homeownership is often the ownership of the owner by the home/bank right now. While I would like us to purchase a lovely piece of land, I don't want us to have a massive loan to the bank. There is land available in this area for cheap, one just has to find it. Additionally, I would like us to plan out building so that it happens when we can afford it. I would like the building plan to have stages. At the same time, I would like us to be sure that this is the area for us, long-term. I don't know that it is. There are a lot of positives here, but there are also a lot of negatives. It is something I would like to actively discuss. Also, I am not averse to the idea of renting when we are posted. But something I'm very much more interested in is house flipping. I don't know how it works, so it is something I need to research but it is an idea for us, I think, to explore.

I am looking forward to seeing you on HLTA. I think, more than any of this or anything else, we need to work on building our communication. I don't feel that it is in a place that I would like it. I don't feel comfortable that we understand each other yet. I need more feedback from you because I feel that I either haven't explained myself fully or that you disagree with me a lot of the time. I know that you do not communicate well verbally (although you speak well and are brilliant and articulate and thoughtful) in a way that works for me and I don't want to say "I need you to change" but this isn't working for me so I would like to explore options with you of how to resolve this issue.

Frankly, there is no way we should be married at this stage, which is another of my struggles right now, of splitting the legal aspect from the marriage aspect (I love the idea of being "bound" to you but don't feel we've honoured that with a ceremony of any kind. I feel the so-called "marriage" (which is legally recognized as one) feels like a betrothal (which is kind of what we're treating it as, I think)) but right now I'm having problems with the vocabulary surrounding all of this, what feels like an ongepotchket. I DO NOT, in any way, regret legally marrying you but I need to remember and I would feel better if you acknowledged to me just now that we aren't technically married, we're only legally married.

I think I need for us to create ritual and ceremony in our lives. I want to live a life of meaning. One I haven't been, out of fear which isn't even mine.

Love,
Tuo Innamorata

So, you know this semi-crippling depression?

2011-06-23T18:39:00.003-05:00

I'm honestly don't know why it came back with a vengeance. I'm wondering if it has something to do with the pill. I've been on it four days. I'm trying to control my menstruation for HLTA.

Every day is a struggle with everything - memory, emotion, etc. I don't like it.

The suicidal ideation is there. "What if I just swerved into the oncoming traffic?" "What if that semi pulled out and hit me?"

I lead an empty life. I wake up. I go to work. I come home. I kill time until I can't stand being awake any longer. I got to bed and can't quiet my thoughts enough to sleep soundly enough to feel rested.

The only reason I don't do something is because of Djruuh. Otherwise, I would shake things up and leave and run away. I can't do that now.

I feel stuck. I feel sad. I don't like this.

I cry every day right now.

With any luck, I'll get Dooce'd

2011-06-23T12:29:00.002-05:00

How am I supposed to ask for help when I feel like I get yelled at for not knowing and I know that I won't understand the answer because I don't understand when things are explained to me?

Ask me how this deployment is going

2011-06-22T18:19:00.002-05:00

It's not going well. My mood is affected and I don't know if it's biological or psychological. I'm struggling with things I shouldn't, like work. I can't take the emotional stress that once I could. I cry EVERY DAY. I'm not enjoying myself. I know Djruuh isn't either but I can only live what I live so I can't write about him.

I eat Kraft Dinner to punish myself. It never fails to make me feel sick. It's like self mutilation but intestinal.

2011-04-16T12:43:00.002-05:00

Dear Djruuh,

I want to talk to you about some ideas I've had for the rest of our lives. Well, not the rest of our lives so much as the next fifteen years. Your contract is for about another seventeen years so I figure that while we will re-evaluate the situation regularly, I would like do toss some ideas out there of how some things might go.

I like stability and a place for our stuff where we feel comfortable. We've discussed building here and keeping it and I would like us to do that. It will be what I consider our main house and home. When we post out, we will take some things but I would like us to lead a double life. I would like us to have a home of meaning here. Nothing goes in unless it is important to us: the furniture, the design, the colours, the materials. I would like this to be where we hole-up and escape to. And when they post us away from here, we take some things but not many. I would like us to fill the house minimally but with those things which we would not like to live without and which have meaning to us. To me, this means there wouldn't be a plethora of electronics everywhere but thoughtful placing of electronic piece which serve a utility, not just as a distraction or a show piece. I want us to have nice things but not all the new things.

We've talked about buying places and renovating. I would love to do this with you. I would like us to spend the rest of our time posted here learning the basic skills we'll need to buy a fixer-upper at the next posting. This is another reason why I'd like us to not move with that many things from our home. I would like us to live in comfortable wreckage while we renovate to flip. I will make anywhere we live comfortable for us, but I almost-fear having too much stuff.

In every house in which we live, I would like a room for the majority of your work stuff. I love you and in loving you, I must love The Army because it is your other wife, your first wife. But it is not your most important wife. And for my peace of mind, having a contained area where The Army can live with us helps me because I will be able to close the door and keep The Army to itself.

I would like to travel. I would like to travel a lot. I love travelling and you will be doing a lot of that with your career. I am excited about being posted to different places. I'm not hugely interested in staying in places for a long time. That being said, where you are, I will be. If we stay posted here for five years, we stay posted here together for five years. But I would like to be a nomad. I know that right now I am in a period of schooling and that I will not be able to nomad during this tour but I would like to go on tour when you are on tour and be temporarily attached when you are temporarily attached. For example, on your next course, which is likely a three month residential course, I would like to move to a city near your course and rent a room and find a part-time job to cover expenses (unless *more on that later*) and see you on free weekends. Not every weekend, but all that are practicable. When you are on tour, I would like to find someway of living abroad or in a different place while you are away; like France or Nelson, as random examples. Again, working to cover expenses and some left to travel on to you.

We have discussed how we enjoy being alive in this era but feel that some of the attitudes and practices of previous periods are also important to us. I see The Army as your career and your career as my career. This does not mean that I am going to eat bonbons and watch "my stories" while I wait for you to get home from work so that I can heat up TV dinners. This means that I would like to find ways to minimise our expenditures to maximise our value for money. When I start looking at our finances, with some careful budgeting, we would actually likely be better off financially and effort-wise for me to not work where I am when you come home.

I do not know what I want to do when I am done school and you are back from tour, but I do know that I am tired of my job. It isn't interesting. I do not feel appreciated. I feel stuck. I am tired of it. I am planning on staying there as long as I can, until you come back, and seeing where we go from there. But this comes back to the *more on that later* note. I would like to generate income by doing things of an entrepreneurial nature. I love ceramics and English. I would like to find some way of incorporating those into generating revenue. I do not know what that will look like but please bear with me. I would love to write and I would love to be a ceramicist. I do not know what that will look like but I would like to figure that out with your support.

I have always believed I can have it all and now that "I" am "We", I think that still holds true. I see no reason why we can not have it all. We will just need to figure out what it is that we want and what the best way is to get it. I know that I have a large debt-load right now but I would like us to live debt-free except where we can make our debt work for us, like a mortgage. This is something I would like us to sit down and discuss multiple times once you are home. I would like us to have a preliminary meeting and then regularly scheduled meetings at least monthly to discuss finances until we have a better grasp of where we are with budgeting and then quarterly and then semi-annually after that.

Please let me know what you think of all of this and if there is anything you would like to add or see amended.

I love you.

THANK YOU FOR EXCUSING THE PROFANITY. REALLY, I DO HAVE A LARGE VOCABULARY. I JUST LIKE 'FUCK'ING

2011-04-13T21:16:00.005-05:00

Dear Djruuh,

I apologise if I sounded harsh this evening. I know you aren't used to it, but I need you to know that rebelling at every step is my thing, my thing that I do. So, when we *HAVE* to do something, especially for www.gc.ca, I want to subvert it to prove it an important point that we have the power, not it. I know that I have certain responsibilities because of my citizenship but I refuse to bow to bureaucracy just because of how bureaucracy and institutions believe it MUST be done.

So, when I ask you something, like about wedding vows, I need you to actually tell me what you actually think. I don't care to have a legal wedding. I hate the involvement of unnecessary people and unnecessary words. I care about what we want to have AND IT'S FUCKING TOUGH RIGHT NOW TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. I mean, I know you are beyond stressed with what you are going through but I need snap decisions. Surely you know if you like something or you don't. Please just say it. I'm tired and I don't want to dig around to find your meaning or even to see if you actually mean something. I'm sitting here, alone (5 stupid months in, 11 (and when I say "11", I mean "9". That just took me five tries. I'm so stressed I can neither count nor SAY THE MONTHS OF THE YEAR) stupid months to go) and worrying myself to insomnia about this.

I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT YOU MEAN AND WHAT YOU WANT. I AM THIS CLOSE TO BURNING DOWN YOUR ALMA MATER. THERE IS NO REASON ONE PERSON NEEDS EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF INFORMATION EVER AND THEN SIX MONTHS TO THINK ABOUT IT.

I apologise for getting shouty just there. But in our lives together, please be advised that quick decisions with what information we have on hand is a good way of doing it. This is not your work. Decisions DO NOT matter as much (in so far as they can be changed, scraped, modified, etc). Nothing is at stake here EXCEPT MY PEACE OF MIND, APPARENTLY.

I'm going to need you to sign a waiver that you understand that I'm crazy and that I'm not willing, at this point, to change. Especially, apparently, until I'm post-menopausal.

I get crazy:
~ anxiety
~ mood swings, both hormonal and seasonal
~ ideas
~ schemes
~ etc.

I have had to WAIT my entire life for someone else to "feel it" before making a decision. I'm tired of subverting myself and WAITING ALL THE TIME. Neither of my parents could make a snap-fucking-decision to save my life and I'm tired of SHOVING all of that energy BACK INSIDE just because someone needs some time to think. And I'm not saying you can't think about stuff. I'm saying that you can't THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME AND WE CAN JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE THOUGHT IT ALL OUT AND THEN YOU CAN THINK SOME MORE. And I know you don't do that and I know that I'm exaggerating because the crazy makes me forget EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. SOMETHING. HAS. WORKED. OUT. FOR. ME. BUT STILL!

I don't even want a wedding and now we're having one IN THREE WEEKS. And I'm sorry you're on exercise and working nights and getting ready to deploy and more interested in sleep. BUT THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW to my brain. And I need you to make the crazy stop.

You are the person who sees me at my worst, and for that, I apologise. And you are the person who makes me feel the most sane, and again, I apologise for the burden.

I used to wonder about Nicole. Jeff always made her more sane. AND NOW I KNOW WHAT THAT IS LIKE. And I'm of two minds about it. I mean, I can do everything for myself but when it involves you, I want you there every step of the way. Just give me clear direction. Tell me, unequivocally, what you want. I will make it happen. And not in a subverting myself kind of way. I will make both of us happy. But I need to know. I don't want you to do what you did tonight, with the first draft of the vows. Do not go "that sounds good. let's change all our plans and get rings." if that is not what you REALLYREALLYREALLY want.

We CAN have the wedding we both want but (and I can't stress this enough) YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT. When you say "that sounds good. let's change all our plans and get rings." and I say "I hate those vows and didn't you not want rings right now?" and you're all "right. they're a bit much and let's not get rings." I GET REALLY FUCKING CONFUSED.

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU ACTUALLY WANT. RIGHT NOW. (What you want right now AND please tell me right now)

Thankyou.
Crazy, your fiancée.

P.S. Please take this as pertaining to the rest of our lives, too. Tell me what you want. I will never change my mind solely based on what your opinion is. I will tell you what I think. We will find someway of both of us being happy. Pick a decision. Say it. I'll say mine. Be prepared to show your work. I can back mine up. We will either agree, compromise, or agree to disagree - do not worry about it. We are coming from families of origin with different communication styles than either of us are completely comfortable with incorporating into our new family. I promise to not be easily hurt because you disagree with me, unless you are wrong (j/k).

What we have to have:

2011-04-04T00:41:00.002-05:00

I do solemnly declare that I do not know of any lawful impediment why I, Kesli? Kissy? What?, may not be joined in matrimony to Djruuh

I do solemnly declare that I do not know of any lawful impediment why I, Djruuh, may not be joined in matrimony to Kesli? Kissy? What?

I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, Kesli? Kissy? What?, do take thee, Djruuh, to be my lawful wedded husband/spouse

I call upon these persons here present to witness that I, Djruuh, do take thee, Kesli? Kissy? What?, to be my lawful wedded wife/spouse

But!

But?

But!

And?

Okay, And! There will be other vows. Oh yes. Make not mistake. There will be other vows. And we shall write these vows! Together! Whilst on HLTA!

And!

And? There's more?

Yes! And! We will decide whether we are reciting these other different, hand-written-but-possibly-typed vows with an audience or without.

Any suggestions*?

*knowing full well that I may (or may not) take the suggestions or not, as I so feel fit.

How I Learned To Stop Worrying and Plan My Wedding

2011-03-28T13:47:00.003-05:00

Argh?

I just need to know everything that you REALLY ACTUALLY want, your NEEDS for this day, and we can do it.

I want you to think hard about what you want:
~ for you at YOUR wedding
~ for me at YOUR wedding
~ for us at YOUR wedding
~ for you at MY wedding
~ for me at MY wedding
~ for us at MY wedding
~ for you at OUR wedding
~ for me at OUR wedding
~ for us at OUR wedding

I know. That's 9 weddings to think about. And there are more weddings, permutations and combinations to think about. But I need you to think about this. I will work on not stressing over this if you can promise me that you'll think of all this so that when you come home, we can talk about and plan this. The "I haven't been to that many weddings, so I don't know" doesn't fly. You know about weddings. You have some idea about the Wedding Industrial Complex. You know what you like and what's important to you. Walk yourself through what you think goes in a wedding and ask yourself what things to keep, what things to delete and what things to add. Creep on weddings on the internet. That's why it's there.

If you can promise me that you'll ACTIVELY think about this AND make decisions AND form opinions AND I won't need to drag this shit out of you because, guess what, you know about as much as I do about weddings, I will attempt to mostly stop bothering you about this until you get back from war.

Love,
K

2011-01-27T17:19:00.001-06:00

It is much more gratifying to say “I did that” than “I paid for that.”

2011-01-19T09:05:00.003-06:00

Once again, I have been struck by the enormity of the situation. I'm in love, engaged, want to spend the rest of my life with Djruuh and he is away right now, from this past November until at least this time next year. It's like dating but without all that "horrible" togetherness.

I want to marry someone who won't be home for sure for the next 18 years.

What on earth am I getting myself in to?

How we got engaged

2010-12-09T23:00:00.000-06:00

Early November. Before he went away for ATOC.

We had sex. Amazing sex. It's kinda one of those things we do. In fact, we don't do it nearly enough but when we do... you know.

We were cuddling. I was lying on him, wrapped around him, head tucked into his neck.

"Djruuh, I love you."

"I love you too."

"Djruuh, will you marry me?"

*pause* "I need some time to think about it."

This evening:

*phone rings. read call display.*

"Hello!"

"The answer to your question is yes."

Courtesy of Wil Wheaton

2010-11-27T12:10:00.001-06:00

the circling hawks

Two days in a row, in two different places, twenty miles apart, I’ve seen two hawks circle in the sky above me.

I know it’s simple coincidence, but I like to believe that they’re the same pair, soaring gracefully and beautifully on thermal currents just for me, so I don’t forget to appreciate the simple beauty of the world around me.

(Of course, it's also possible that they are stalking me, waiting for me to fall to the ground dead, because they’re from the future and know something that I don’t.)

I suppose the moral is: Don't forget to appreciate the simple beauty of the world around you, because you never know when deathhawks from the future will show up and ruin your day.

And you're only in Gagetown

2010-11-22T17:31:00.001-06:00

Dear Djruuh,

I miss the shit out of you today. FYI.

Love,

Me

Notes to my cousin on interacting with me

2010-11-15T20:23:00.003-06:00

When I say "Hey!", you make eye contact. You don't mutter "hey" to the floor and brush past me like I'm the lovechild of a gargoyle and Joseph Merrick that one of your friends pityfucked in a car outside the bar.

I don't care that you are in the top half of Grampa's favourite grandchildren. I don't care that your dad makes more money than everyone else in the family combined, and your mom doesn't consider me a real relative. You fucking look at me, in the eye, and return the greeting.

2010-11-13T13:04:00.000-06:00

My mind is heavy. Your absence weighs on me. Shortly, I shall post uplifting things to keep your spirits buoyed, but, for now, I hole-up in your rooms.

2010-11-13T09:40:00.003-06:00

Djruuh just drove way. Two and a half hours ago. He should be in Saskatchewan by now. This is fucking lame. Also, bad gay (not good gay, like man-on-man sex)(bad gay, like homophobes).

Fourteen months, people.

He is gone for fourteen months.

Sure, I get to see him for a few days at Christmas. And some long weekends. And when he's got some time off before he goes to A'stan. AND THEN HE GOES TO A'STAN. WHICH IS LAME AND BADGAY.

I knew what he did when I signed up for this. I'm cool with that. I like the army. I always have. I support the concept of war. I know that it is occasionally necessary to go shoot people. BUT I DON'T HAVE TO LIKE IT WHEN MINE GOES AWAY. I mean, I don't like that anyone actually has to go. BUT STILL. I'M GOING TO BE SELFISH ABOUT THIS.

2010-10-16T16:53:00.001-05:00

Three and a Half Seconds About Life from Eran Hilleli on Vimeo.

Reasons I can't get married in the Catholic church

2010-07-25T21:18:00.003-05:00

1. I don't believe in the church
2. "Will you accept children lovingly from God and bring them up according to the law of Christ and his Church?" No. I won't.
3. I refuse, wholeheartedly, to 'Celebrate the Sacrament of Reconciliation'
4. I don't want to.
5. I don't like the current pastor
6. I don't really want a lot of people at this thing. (Mostly to avoid presents)
7. My idea of a wedding has less than 10 people at it and the reception held, if at all, over lunch.
8. I don't want to spend that kind of money on a wedding dress.
9. Don't even talk to me about "Ooo. You can buy a cheaper dress." No. Not if I'm looking good in a dress, I can't.
10. I don't want to spend that kind of money on a dress I will only wear once.
11. I'm not having some other asshole marry me. I will marry myself to my beloved and he will marry himself to me.
12. I have such huge issues with the institute of marriage, it isn't even funny.
13. Really? I need to continue this list?

2010-07-03T09:12:00.002-05:00

You are not the car commander. Use 'request' style phrasing for the duration of the journey, thank you.

2010-06-24T01:29:00.001-05:00

When you said "I love you", it scared me a little because, as much as I think I'm likeable, I still find myself 'testing' people for rejection because of my eccentricities. I would love to be loved. I would love to be in love. I just fear rejection. Like, if you get to really know me, you might not like me anymore. I am a nice, good person. I try to see the good in everyone and accept them. My friends tell me I'm a nice person. I just think I could be better. And I hope you'll still like me (if you like me now) once you know my quirks and weirdness. And I'd really like to get to know each other quite, quite well.

I know it's a bit soon (and I hope not psycho) but, and I don't really know how to word this, I would like to date with intent. Explicit intent. I know that all dating carries some level of implicit intent. And I know that I'm totally over-thinking this. But I've traditionally been sort of bad at relationships and I don't know how they work or how they traditionally progress so I kind of make it up as I go along. Please give me feedback on our relationship both now and in the future. Tell me what you think and what you feel. Even if you don't know. It makes my chest tight when people are cagey and clam-up. When I ask questions, I'm not trying to *pry*, I genuinely want to know the answer because I'm interested and I like knowing stuff. Lots of stuff. Stuff other people consider unnecessary detail. I don't know if this is your nature or not, I just know that communicative reticence leads nowhere good in my head. If getting any information is like pulling hens' teeth, I can't take it. I get frustrated because I don't understand. I do not understand interpersonal relationships intuitively (on, like, an Aspergers level some days) and I've learned to ask questions because I want to learn how to be in relationship. I watched my parents' marriage fall apart because they did not talk to each other. There wasn't trust.

Trust is a huge deal for me. I want someone who is honest with me. Not on a cruel level but someone who doesn't hide things from me, lie to me (including lying by omission), or mislead me. I don't care what the answer is or what happened, as long as it's the truth. I am a loyal person. I will have your back 110%, until you breaks my trust. I want someone who will have my back all the way.

I know you are in a long-term, committed relationship with the Canadian Forces. I'd also like you to be in one with me. And, while I'm all about independence, I don't want to be lonely in a relationship. I know that it'll take some time to figure stuff out, but I feel frustrated sometimes by how loose the planning is. I have spent a fair amount of time over the past month waiting and guessing and that doesn't come naturally to me. I know that there is a certain amount of uncertainty in your schedule and life but please make plans with me sometimes. I kind of get that I will come second to work. But I can't live with being a far distant second. I want to spend time with you but, more importantly, I want you to want to spend time with me. I want to be important to you.

You send awfully mixed signals sometimes and I feel so confused. You are so attentive when we're together and then I won't hear from you for days. I don't mean to sound clingy and ridiculous but when I get stuck in my head, I start thinking in circles. I don't know if you have more experience than me with these things but I'm willing to work with you to figure out what works for us.

I promise to work hard to be in this relationship, if you will too. I also want to see Super Troopers sometime when I'm awake. And I would totally love to go to your brother's wedding if you would like me to.

2010-04-21T14:29:00.007-05:00

Boots were first used by soldiers. The Assyrians created a calf-high laced leather boot. The sole was reinforced with metal. Enabling the Assyrians to walk and fight in relative comfort.

Greek and Roman soldiers resisted wearing Assyrian-style boots. They preferred sandals with hobnail soles. To provide better grip and extended wear. They did wear boots for long journeys.

Oh Hey

2010-04-12T11:22:00.000-05:00

What’s up?

My sculpture got smashed to shit.

Yay?

Also, my sculpture got smashed to shit.

...so. Yeah.

How is it supposed to make me feel better about it when someone says they like it better broken because it’s more visually interesting? That’s fucking nice but it’s not how I want the piece to look. It would have been nice to have more fucking time on it. Because even not-broken it didn’t look like I wanted it too. Lin gave us, like, 4 or 5 weeks on project one and then we had 9 or 10 weeks to do three more. And she would only dole them out one at a fucking time. Like, just give me all the projects at the beginning of the term and I’ll finish them for whatever dates you want. Don’t just give me one at a fucking time.

And I was asked, ‘so what are you going to do?’ about the broken one. How the fuck should I know? I’ve just walked into the room. It’s a good fucking thing that I was fore-fucking-warned that my piece was broken. Because the ones who broke it were just staring at me, looking for a reaction. “Are you mad?” “Do you hate us?” “What are you going to do?” “I think it looks better broken – more visually interesting.”

Why would I be mad? I’m upset. I’m disappointed but why would I be mad? There isn’t anything to be mad about. It’s an accident. *sigh* So, I’m disappointed. But hey. Whatever. One can only move on. Dwelling won’t fix cracks and chunks.

With Regard to Easter

2010-04-03T17:36:00.002-05:00

I was telling a friend the "Why, in my opinion, my relationship with my father is somewhat strained" story this past Thursday. We ended up trying to go out for supper. Stopping first at the LC (because no LCs are open on Good Friday), we proceeded to Wawanesa. Jocelin was closed. Coming back into Brandon on the 340, we tripped through Treesbank to see a house I didn't buy due to it's lack of structural integrity, and popped up to Albert's - who it turns out closes at 9.

Calling Rod to see where he was at (with a mind of crashing it because he cancelled our weekly Thursday because his girlfriend was in town for the fair), and he said he'd whip something up for us. We stopped to pick up another friend and went to Rod's.

Now, here is the part of this post where I tell you that I refer to Easter as 'Zombie Jesus Day' because of people's predilection for taking the Bible and the dictates of the people at the top of Christendom's hierarchies literally.

We were all standing around talking and I was recounting how we'd ended up there. I made a reference to 'Zombie Jesus Day' (and needing alcohol) and the shit hit the fan. His girlfriend panicked on me. She was offended. I said "I'm sorry". She started slamming shit around to get ready to go out and made most people really uncomfortable. The kicker? She actually got the lead out when she saw the time was 9:52 and she ordered her husband out of the house because they only had eight minutes to get to the LC before it closed and it wouldn't be open the next day.

So. Yeah. I don't mind her, in theory. I understand that she's crazy and it's her way or the highway. What I didn't get was why people (Rod and my brother) keep alluding to me not liking her. It turns out, I'm thinking, that it is she who doesn't like me.

Anyways. She used to be a member of the Anglican communion in Brandon (and a 'prominent' one at that). Guess what was in today's paper? An article, about Good Friday, written by a retired Anglican priest of Brandon, which is linked here. It makes for interesting reading. You know what else is interesting? The article is hosted on the Diocese of Brandon website. Meaning, it's somewhat sanctioned. I love being proved not wrong.

exhales tiredly

2010-03-22T18:59:00.006-05:00

Let's talk conservatives. Or Conservatives. I don't know which.

Anne Coulter says the university was “threatening to criminally prosecute me for my speech.” The letter? After mentioning the Charter of Rights and Canada's free speech laws, [Coulter was invited] to “educate yourself, if need be, as to what is acceptable in Canada” and ...that “promoting hatred against any identifiable group would not only be considered inappropriate, but could in fact lead to criminal charges.”

The University of Ottawa has not only not threatened to criminally prosecute Ms. Coulter, they do not have the power to criminally prosecute anyone. This is illogical and a ridiculous proposition. What the heck? If this is how C/conservatives honestly understand things, I question their mental health. This is paranoia and delusion.

James Randi (The Amazing Randi) came out. Some people, apparently, still think the bible is intended to be browsed over. Other people make a great deal of sense. If one is to follow LOGIC and have some historical grounding when reading the bible, one sees that, much like in Islam and Muhammad (may Allah's blessings and peace be upon him), Christianity and Jesus makes loads of sense and then his followers (while (I'm sure) quite learned and good hearted) confuse more people than they don't.

Third thing. *Sigh* And Darfur is still OK with you? How 'bout Congo? Chile was fine under Pinochet? Ranavalona_I? The way the whole Israel thing is going for the Palestinians? What about the way that many Canadian First Nations people are living RIGHT NOW? Sure, there is a problem when people fight. But that's because people don't know how to do it anymore. There aren't the little fights there used to be. There is a lack of understanding that the other person has EVERY RIGHT to safety and love and respect. People are becoming more insular. The In-Group is the only group. The outsiders must be destroyed.

And this brings us, full circle, back to the C/conservatives. I am largely picturing the United States of America's Republican Party right now. The fear-mongering, pandering, spin and rhetoric out of them in the last decade is disgusting. The organization they have is enviable and worthy of fear. The idea that predetermined talking points ARE debate is sickening. The Conservative Party of Canada, not doing that well.

I haven't engaged in active following of politics recently but I should know more than I do. There is a HUGE lack of clear communication from the Government of Canada. I hear too much, when I hear anything, about the 'Conservative Government of Canada'. This is not how this is supposed to work.

I consider myself somewhat Conservative, although the party fails me. I believe in cutting excesses in government. I believe in fiscal responsibility. I believe that children should have childhoods that do not involve as much violence and 'sex' as they do now. That being said, when I talk about cutting excesses in government, I mean unnecessary redundancies and red tape. When I talk about fiscal responsibility, I mean cutting systemic abuse (like what happened at the local Research Station) and owning crown corporations, run competitively, honestly and for-profit. When I talk about reducing exposure of children to violence and 'sex', I mean hockey contact doesn't need to bruise, television can be held to higher standards and 'sex' isn't something children need to see but sexuality *IS* and needs to be discussed. Music videos are not sexuality, they are 'sex'. Sexuality is knowing the biology and physiology, understanding the myriad of options and possibilities, and learning at an individual-appropriate rate.

LJ Random Meme

2010-03-07T12:56:00.002-06:00

i. List seven habits/quirks/facts about yourself.
ii. Tag seven people to do the same.
iii. Do not tag the person who tagged you or say that you tag "whoever wants to do it."

i.1. Habit - I groom 90% right handed. Even eyeliner and nail polish.
i.2. Fact - I'm left handed.
i.3. Quirk - I am selfish about sleep. I will all of a sudden be very tired and say 'fuck it' and fall asleep. Even at parties. I don't care. I love sleep.
i.4. Quirk - I hate falling asleep in my own bed. I have to tell myself firmly that it's ok to go to sleep and I need to tell myself what time to get up. Example anecdote: I was quite restless this morning (Sunday) around 530am because I forgot to tell myself that it was Sunday so I could sleep in. I am habituated to get up for work, so that's my default.
i.5. Fact - I prefer words to pictures, whether written or spoken. Illustratory example: I love The Mighty Boosh. But the book and the radio show are just that little bit more amusing.
i.6. Habit - I start stairs right footed.
i.7. All three - If I don't get ready in the exact same order in the morning, I forget hugely important parts of what is required. I seriously once caught myself about to put on my shoes and I wasn't wearing pants. I try to not have interruptions now.

ii. Neh. I don't have 7 people to tag

iii. Ok.

Unfulfilled Goals Thus Far

2010-02-03T20:43:00.001-06:00

~Have red hair
~Be 6' tall
~Be native
~Marry Stephen Fry

2010-01-23T23:06:00.003-06:00

How did you choose your LiveJournal username? Is there an interesting story behind it?

Submitted By sun_star_n_moon

View 2772 Answers

My lj name is "ChinPointyDoom" because 'ChinOfPointyDoom' had too many letters in it. I chose it because when I got my lj invite from 'Eliza' (who's last name I can remember but can't spell), I had just recently woken up next to Matt and had had a playful conversation where I wanted attention (We were naked and in bed) and I threatened him with my 'chin of pointy doom' and 'gouged' his shoulder with my chin (which is just normal pointy, not especially pointy, I think). The threat and the wording amused me to no end.

That was a weird Christmas break. We weren't really dating. He didn't like me and had broken up with me when I saw him on a layover in TO but I went and saw him at Thanksgiving and he basically stayed at my house all of Christmas break because it was in town and he didn't have a license and his mother is house-bound and his dad worked nights and didn't (probably) want to ferry him around, whereas I was somewhat happy to. Mum didn't really say anything about him staying there. We never had sex (no even when we were dating). He never really liked me. It was a weird relationship. I think he liked it alright in the beginning, before he got to know me but I don't know. It kinda should have been a summer fling but I didn't get that. I kind of wish I could do exit interviews with people so I'd know what they thought of me. I'm always unsure.

Anyways, I took his watch off him, as I was wont to do, and he ended up going to stay at his parents (for the unrelated reason of they wanted to see him) and I said he could have it back when he came and got it. But he never did and never has. He's lived in Brandon again for a year (at least) and hasn't come to get it. Everyone's told me that because he called me obese, I don't have to give it back, even if he shows up. I am thinking of giving it to Kori, when I go see him in TO this spring (btw, I'm coming to TO. Wanna hang out quite a bit?) because I think he'd like it.

Vlogbrothers

2010-01-15T14:09:00.003-06:00

I regularly watch the Vlogbrothers (John and Hank Green) on Youtube. This week their theme was educating each other. I don't comment of the videos for the same reason that I don't (didn't) comment on slash posts. I don't have anything to add to the conversation besides 'thanks'. But Monday's and Wednesday's videos were so good I wanted to write this down to let other people know.

I don't know much about ecology and I don't know much about literature but I do know what I like and it's when the Vlogbrothers teach me something. It's always interesting. It's always fresh. It's always in a direction I'd not yet pondered.

Hank's call out. John's response.

Hello?

2010-01-11T19:25:00.003-06:00

Good day to you all! Both? Anyways.

....Hey! How you doin'? Where you from?

So, you know I have the memory of a leaky sieve, right? Yeah. I had a funny story to tell you but I don't remember what the hell it was even about. I'm sure it was good. Feel free to chortle amongst yourselves in lieu of getting a story and laughing after.

I'm thinking comedy classes might be the interesting. So, there's that.

I'm taking clay sculpture. That should be good.

I was whining about just getting married and my boss called me on that I'm easily bored by people and so finding a life partner could be a bit of a challenge in the short term.

Basically, I'm looking for a friendly NSA-sort of relationship. Like, it's fun to hang out and it's a little intense at first but then it tapers off into regular-ish sex. So, I'll just hold my breath on that.

I kinda stopped talking to Ryan because he was a bit whingy about school. He didn't really (in any way) attempt to contact me at all after that so that's done.

John de-friended me on LJ. He sent a self-congratulatory email to me in re: his moving on. I sent back an email about how: 'No, our relationship wasn't great for me. I'm happy for you that you feel happy and all moved-on but no, I don't really have warm fuzzy feelings about it. Also, you're a bit of a slag for making no effort to contact me, you fucking chicken. Ooo. You want to 'treat me right'? Yeah. Any time would have been a good place to fucking start. I'm just saying. Your turn.'

So, yeah. He didn't really email back after that one. Two reasons: a) he's moved on (which is good) and b) he's a goddamn chicken (something I had been trying to work on with him).

My therapist mentioned that taking a counselling role in regular relationships is death to them. Yeah. It is. Also, dating clingy people who weep is death for the relationship.

I looked back at some of the writing I did during the relationship and it started in May and by July I was avoiding him and trying to break it off and slow it down. I'd try to break up, a crisis would happen in his life, he would weep like a little bitch with a skinned knee, I would not follow up with the breakup. It took a month(!) of not talking to him before he decided it was his idea that we should break up and then he waited for me to phone to tell him that I was actually done so he could stop thinking and he's all 'oh, didn't I tell you?'

Yeah. Not looking forward to next year, when I'm in his class. Awkward.

Hehehe.

On a related note, it'll be more interesting sitting in class knowing what he looks like naked, being bound and pegged.

Still, I could post more often.

Valentine by Carol Ann Duffy

2009-10-16T17:51:00.001-05:00

Not a red rose or a satin heart.

I give you an onion.
It is a moon wrapped in brown paper.
It promises light
like the careful undressing of love.

Here.
It will blind you with tears
like a lover.
It will make your reflection
a wobbling photo of grief.

I am trying to be truthful.
Not a cute card or a kissogram.

I give you an onion.
Its fierce kiss will stay on your lips,
possessive and faithful
as we are,
for as long as we are.

Take it.
Its platinum loops shrink to a wedding-ring,
if you like.

Lethal.
Its scent will cling to your fingers,
cling to your knife.

Interesting?

2009-04-19T22:55:00.003-05:00

I'd like if I had something interesting to talk about. I don't feel my life has that many interesting anecdotes. I'm sure I could think of some but I mainly remember the blog not when I'm happy but when I'm unhappy.

Went to Winnipeg over the weekend. I enjoyed it but now I'm having issues with aging. I got to S&R's house around 9 and we hung out there until 2ish. I enjoyed the part where S and B and I sat in the kitchen talking about sex. There aren't many people with whom to discuss sex. It sure didn't work the next night at the Dekker with J and Matt (catholic and ex whom I know doesn't like sex, talking about sex, the concept of me and sex). That was awkward.

I slept in until 10 on Saturday. We went to Superstore to get sushi fixings and then to the dress store for to be measured. I'm not impressed that dress shops have sizes 4 out. Like an eight (fancy dress) = a 4 (regular sizing). This puts me in plus sizing for the extra fifty bucks. Yay.

The highway between Brandon and Winnipeg is so boring. I need to plan better with music because then I have something to do. I get the feeling that I'll be opting for the bus this summer. Then, I can read and sleep on the way. I do enjoy the exhilaration of driving (sometimes, for part of the journey) but I get lonely and it's just not stimulating.

So, I need to finish my essays (all of them) by the time I go to work in the morning. And I've had all day (and weeks and weeks of time) in which to do them and so I have three one pagers and three 6-8 pagers. What the hell? Seriously. Clearly, I seem to have giving up. I'm actually kind of looking forwards to not going to school next year. I think it would be good. We'll see.

Physical and cultural genocide: Discuss the genocide in Rwanda and the role colonization played in precipitating it.

2009-04-15T02:44:00.002-05:00

Karl Marx believed that all societal conflicts arose due to class differences. In the case of Rwanda, he would have been correct. The distinction between the Hutus and the Tutsis was one of resource ownership before Belgium arrived in the country and made people card-carrying members of one or the other group, the divergence being the number of cattle owned. Upon arriving in the country, the Belgians, acting as any colonial power, decided to do business through the local ruling class, the Tutsis. When the Belgians withdrew, the country became two; Rwanda and Burundi. In Burundi, the Tutsis remained in power; while in Rwanda, the majority Hutus, gaining strength from numbers, took over the country politically. In 1972, the ruling Tutsis in Burundi killed over 100,000 Hutus (rebels and otherwise) to retain power. In Rwanda, the killings were reversed; the ruling Hutus killed Tutsis as well as moderate Hutus. Over 500,000 people were murdered.

Colonization played a large part in creating the situation which allowed these murders to take place. By rigidly separating groups which had semi-fluid membership, the colonial power began driving the thin edge of the wedge between the Hutus and the Tutsis. Separation of groups is one of the best ways to dehumanize the other's membership. If individuals from group A believe that they have little in common with individuals from group B, group A members feel more comfortable shunning and disenfranchising group B members.

Colonization also brought Rwanda onto the world stage like never before which lead people (especially those who became the recipients of violence) to believe that fraternity would lead to intervention. One of the double-edged swords of Statehood is sovereignty over the geographic region which one rules and the exclusion of other States interference. Neighbour States tend not to interfere with internal matters; similar to the way that neighbours in apartment buildings do not always phone the police when they hear suspected family violence.

We can use the term 'genocide', prefixed with 'cultural', to what has happened here in Canada to Native people. There was a deliberate and systematic destruction of the language, culture and way of life. One would not go so far as to say that many of the deaths of Native people in Canada could be attributed to physical genocide because they were not specifically planned.

Genocide is an ongoing problem in the world. Fear, mistrust, lack of education and understanding and laziness lead to genocide. The suspicious view of one group by another, coupled with ignorance toward their culture and way of life can lead to genocide. The laziness to challenge one's own views as taught by fearful people can lead to genocide. The view of 'others' as being fundamentally different from the self can lead to genocide. The term 'ethnic cleansing' should never be used to describe genocide. Linguistically, it lends itself better to describing a mikvah than mass murder.

This reading and topic were an important one to the course because too little is taught about genocide. The problem is dismissed as 'too big' a topic in people's minds and they dismiss it, thinking “what can one person do?” It is important to remind people of the horrors and atrocities which have occurred and continue to occur. The Caplan article addresses the problem that one can not take on every cause and even every version of one cause. It is okay to not be an expert on every genocide, as long as one acknowledges the problem and works to find a better answer.

Genocide is a hugely relevant topic for Native people in Canada. States are not mononational. They contain people who claim different cultures, ethnicities and national memberships. The First Nations of Canada represent a significant portion of the population of Canada and can act as a significant lobby group upon the Provincial and Federal governments. People everywhere have an obligation to speak up for the rights and safety of others when they cannot do so themselves. Native people in Canada could become a powerful lobby for international peacekeeping action, to help prevent genocide from being a three paragraph story at the back of a newspaper.

References:
Caplan, G. (2004). The genocide problem: “Never again” all over again. The Walrus. October 2004. pp. unknown.

Maybury-Lewis, D. (2002). Indigenous peoples, ethnic groups, and the state. Boston, MA: Allyn and Bacon.

(P.S. My favourite line is "Linguistically, it lends itself better to describing a mikvah than mass murder.")
(P.P.S. Genocide = Bad, in case anyone was wondering.)

I've taken my eye off the prize

2009-04-09T21:37:00.000-05:00

I sure have! I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know where I'm going. I currently feel like I have no goals and no purpose. I work. I go to class. I don't do any school work. (Seriously. I have the fucking time and resources and everything.)

AND I KNOW HOW EASILY EVERYTHING COMES TO ME WHEN I PUT EVEN A MODEST AMOUNT OF EFFORT INTO IT!!!

I can write. I understand the material. I have the physical skill (re: clay). I am just not working towards anything. There is no reward. My grades are fucked this semester anyways. I spent much of this semester freaking out and so that doesn't help.

I don't even want to go to school next year. Mainly because it'd be my last year and then what would I do? Besides, if(when) I get kicked out (again), do I even want to appeal it?

I need a goal. I need a purpose. I want a reason.

I'm tired of starting things and not finishing them. I'm tired of being out of shape. I'm tired of not fitting the 'pretty' clothes. I'm tired of feeling like I don't deserve nice things or things being easy. I'm tired of spending money. I'm tired of not having money. I'm tired of being in debt. I'm tired of having too much stuff. I'm tired of having messy living arraignments. I'm tired of having a dirty house. I'm tired of being uninspired to cook. I'm tired of not having the patience to bake. I'm tired of being indoors when there's a whole out of doors that everyone (especially R) enjoys. I'm tired of not seeing R. I'm tired of avoiding my stuff, whilst I hide, and then being away from everyone whilst I try to finish stuff late. This is bologna!

I'm changing this. I don't know how or to what but something's got to give.

2008-11-24T10:00:00.001-06:00

I look at pictures like this from the flooding in Queensland this past week and say to myself, "I can hardly wait until I can live in that country"

(pic from BBCNews)

2008-10-22T12:05:00.000-05:00

East Pakistan and West Pakistan were separated from each other by India.

East Pakistan became Bangladesh.

Look at that now.

This is what Quebec wants for the Atlantic region. They want the Atlantic region to turn into Bangladesh.

Jerks.

Inexpensive Sponge Cake

2008-06-02T00:53:00.000-05:00

from the 1950 edition of Betty Crocker's Picture Cook Book

Generously grease and flour 8 inch square pan or 12 muffin cups
Preheat oven to 350.
2 eggs
Beat with a mixer or rotary beater until very light.
1 Cup sugar
1/4 t salt
1 tsp flavoring, I used vanilla but lemon or butter extract would be good too
Beat in
1 T butter melted in 1/2 Cup very hot milk I heated them in the microwave
carefully beat in to sugar and egg mixture.
1 Cup flour
1 tsp baking powder
add to wet ingredients, stir together quickly and immediately pour into prepared pan. Bake until cake tests done.
28-35 minutes for cake
18-20 minutes for cupcakes.
Betty suggest to serve it fresh with fruit like berries, bananas and peaches, top with whipped cream.

Uncle Abe's Favorite Chocolate Cake - Barbara Kafka, O: October 2005

2008-05-24T21:45:00.000-05:00

Cake:
8 Tbsp. (one stick) unsalted butter, cut into 1-inch pieces, plus extra for the pan
All-purpose flour for the pan
10 ounces bittersweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
6 large eggs, separated
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. vanilla extract

Whipped cream:
1.5 tsp. unflavored gelatin
2 cups heavy cream
1 Tbsp. plus 2 tsp. sugar

Chocolate glaze:
4 ounces bittersweet chocolate, coarsely chopped
.5 cup heavy cream

1. To make cake: Preheat oven to 375(F) and position rack on lowest rung. Butter and flour an 8-inch springform pan.

2. Place chocolate in top of a double boiler over simmering water. Heat, stirring occasionally, until chocolate is almost melted, Add butter and stir until mixture is completely smooth. Remove pan from heat, discard simmering water, and replace it with warm tap water. Place chocolate mixture back over water and set aside.

3. In bowl of an electric mixer, beat egg yolks at medium-high speed until light and lemon colored. Gradually beat in .75 cup sugar until mixture becomes very thick. Switch mixer to low speed and blend in chocolate mixture and vanilla.

4. In a separate mixing bowl, beat egg whites until soft peaks form. Gradually beat in remaining .25 cup sugar until soft peaks form again. With a rubber spatula, fold one third of egg whites into chocolate mixture. Fold in remaining whites until just blended. Pour batter into prepared pan; smooth top.

5. Bake cake 15 minutes; reduce oven temperature to 300(F) and bake an additional 15 minutes. Reduce temperature again to 250(F); bake 30 minutes. Turn off oven, leaving door ajar, and let cake stand in oven for 30 minutes. Transfer cake to a wire rack, cover pan with a damp cloth and let stand 5 minutes. Uncover and cool completely. Remove side of pan. Cake will have a crust that cracked and collapsed as temperature was reduced; gently remove top crust and discard.

6. To make whipped cream: bring a small skillet filled halfway with water to a simmer. Fill a glass measuring cup with a quarter cup cold water and sprinkle gelatin over it; let stand until gelatin softens, about 1 minute. Place measuring cup in simmering water and stir until gelatin completely dissolves. Remove from heat and cool to room temperature.

7. In a large mixing bowl, beat cream at medium-high speed until thick. Gradually beat in dissolved gelatin. Beat in sugar until stiff peaks form; chill.

8. To make chocolate glaze: place chopped chocolate in a medium bowl. In a small saucepan, heat cream over medium heat until small bubbles form around edge of pan. Pour hot cream over chocolate and whist until chocolate melts and forms a smooth glaze; let stand until cool enough to mound slightly with a spoon.

9. Meanwhile, with a long serrated knife, gently cut cake in half horizontally to make two even layers. Place one layer on a serving plate and spread a half inch layer of whipped cream over it. Gently place remaining layer on top. Cover top and sides of cake with remaining whipped cream, making it as smooth as possible. Freeze cake for 30 minutes.

10. Remove cake from freezer and pour chocolate glaze over top. Smooth is spatula, allowing excess glaze to drip down sides of cake. Refrigerate cake at least 1 hour before eating.

Makes 20 servings.

Is it really homesick?

2008-05-24T05:59:00.000-05:00

I'm tired.

I've been tired for a week.

Mum phoned tonight. We talked for an hour. She had just gotten in from Jordan and Katrina's social, so it was twenty after twelve there. It was a good chat. I told her about a pair of earrings that I saw today and thought about buying for her. They had the same setting as her ring from Lala but it was set in silver, not gold. So I didn't buy them. Also, they were $2100. Which wasn't the dealbreaker you'd think. I'll go into debt for her. She's worth it.

I miss my little cat. I get all squeakie at catfood ads with little tabby cats in them.

I miss my stuff. I've been wanting to root around in my stuff for the last week. Just puttering. I'm ready for a big purge of stuff (which is good) but I'm not there with my stuff to do it (which is bad).

I want to go through it and recycle it and toss it and donate it and generally rid myself of it.

I cooked today. It's a good way to forget that I'm alone here.

I keep forgetting because I have had people to talk to so I haven't felt so isolated but I'm alone now.

I walked to town this morning. It's about 4km but almost all of it is downhill. I wandered and shopped. Had to go to three different places before I found a bra that fit. And that only happened because the girl there suggested a back extender. So, I bought 2 bras (which are fantastic).

I ate sushi for lunch and picked up Whitney's souvigner. Then I walked back up to the grocery store and caught the bus home.

I was in the centre of a city of 125,000, with the total in-area population of 425,000 and I was all alone.

I hate being surrounded by people and being alone and then coming home and being alone. Too much alone. Even for an introvert.

2008-05-23T22:18:00.000-05:00

When the hell did I get hot?

I've been catching glimpses of myself in mirrors all over this country and what the hell? How come nobody told me this?

Oh, I know I would like to lose some weight and do some toning and be healthy but I'm GORGEOUS RIGHT NOW! What the hell?

I'm not going to lie. I have a bit of a crush on myself. I would do me.

I'm not saying this to be conceited or to fish for compliments (I love those anyways). I'm just continually shocked.

Are all the mirrors in Manitoba broken? Seriously. What the hell?

2008-05-22T16:33:00.000-05:00

I want to be a homemaker

I want to be a stay-at-home *anything*

I want someone to take care of

I want to dabble in interesting subjects and take evening courses every once in a while

I want to clean the house three times a week and lament about not cleaning more

I want to card wool and knit

I want to volunteer

I want to cook supper five or six nights a week

I want to get up with someone and make them coffee and breakfast while they shower and kiss them on the way out the door

I want to have a dark room

I want my own pottery wheel

I want to dabble in these things and sell some for some extra money to pay for neat things on trips

I want to be with someone and go to conferences and dinners as 'the wife' and add interesting tidbits, anecdotes and revelations to the conversation because I am smart and well read

I want to be with an academic who does work in the private sector (so their head doesn't swell with supposed importance)

I want to garden

I want to can

I want to...

Hehehe. I'm rich! I'm rich, I tell you!

2008-05-21T15:07:00.000-05:00

You know you live in a rich country when you rub your eye right after wiping in the bathroom and say "Meh. I probably won't get anything."

It's not like my hand touched anything. And yeah, I did wash after. But still. The whole idea of it.

2008-05-18T05:02:00.001-05:00

Every once in a while, the future likes to come out of nowhere and hit me in the back of the head.

In five years, I'm going to be 30.

Thirty.

I'm sorta old enough now to be someone's mother but I'll totally be old enough then to be someone's mother.

I'm 25. I 'only' have two or three sets of life left.

I'm going to die.

(that thought actually makes me laugh. I still feel immortal. Arrogently immortal. Nothing can kill me. I'm going to live forever)

I spent the day with kids yesterday. I'm old enough to be their mother(!) What the heck? When did this happen?

Seriously. What the hell?

When did I get (kinda) old?

I don't feel old. And I know I'm 'not' old. But still! Jesus.

Every once in a while...

Post the Fifth: Rain

2008-05-03T22:46:00.001-05:00

2008-05-02T19:03:00.000-05:00

You know, it's weird to recognize that one is again experiencing suicidal ideation. It makes me sad for myself that I feel like this. And it's weird because it's while I'm trying to work on this god-forsaken essay.

I won't kill myself because that would be the worst thing to do. No matter how miserable I am, I would not do that to R. It isn't even a case of not doing it for Mum or anyone I know. It's just R.

I know I sound like a 15 year old melodramatic emo kid (remember, I am the original emo kid) but I don't mean to. It's just that this type of emotion is so cliché.

Post the Fourth: Jesus. I can't spell numbers

2008-05-02T00:06:00.000-05:00

Left the internet place, dropped some stuff off at the hostel and wandered to find lunch. Went back to near the place I'd had breakfast as it is in an area that is full of walking-only streets and sidewalk cafes. Found the missing cafes. The street is two blocks long and I'd gone left instead of right. WTF?

All the tables were in use at all the places I passed, so I kept looking. Found a place that looked promising.

Now, I don't like to do stuff because I don't know what is the right thing to do. Do I seat myself? How much service are you wanting to give me? I saw someone who looked kinda like a host standing near where I was pretty sure people went to be seated and I started looking at the menu. He approached and queried whether I would like him to discuss the menu with me (seeing if I was a potential addition to the clientelle). I countered with "What if I had a seat and gave it a look myself?" Seemed to be a mutually excellent idea. He had great eyes. Kinda like North, you know, the hobbit. One of these days, I will remember Elijah Wood's name without having to look it up. Maybe.

Lunch was good. Cheap too, after the hair.

I ordered Pear and Rocket salad with caramalized walnuts and a balsamic dressing and a Monteith Pilsner. It was excellent. Part of the way through, I looked at one of the pears and saw what looked like a cat hair, so I used the fork to remove it. It was four inches long and human. Two of the waitresses were talking near the table and saw as I did that. They were *so* mortified! My plate was immediately whisked from the table and they were quite apologetic. It was neat. I got a replacement salad. Good times.

I read during lunch and evesdropped. Wow. Swearing is not cool. One girl near me kept dropping the f-bomb and it was jarring. I know I swear but I'm trying to reduce the frequency and intensity and I want to eliminate it all together. We'll see.

Also, I think I plowed through 4 glasses of water. Weird.

I ordered dessert (which I'm regretting now). Wheatless chocolate cake with ice cream. It was good but too heavy and I didn't really need anything else. Oh well.

I finished "Eat, Pray, Love". Quite a good book but I started reading too fast during Indonesia. Like I was racing to finish. It's a good book but I would have enjoyed it more if I hadn't hurried the ending. I'm of the opinion that people would benefit from reading this book.

Now, I'm back doing the internet thing. TTYL.

Post the Third: My shift key is hard to use

2008-05-01T17:26:00.000-05:00

I'm in an internet cafe. The smell of geek and testosterone surround me. They aren't all asian but everyone is speaking English. The internet at the hostel I'm staying at is $10/100min. The internet here? $3/hr. That's right! I win!

I got into Auckland at 5am. Almost didn't make it in as I didn't have a copy of my ongoing ticket. Someone took my passport and then came back and let me in the country. The important thing is that I had no checked luggage. It looked like I'd overpacked, to the other people on the plane, but when they heard I had no checked, they were well impressed.

Oh. I forgot to tell you about my flights.

So, got through security in Vancouver. No hassles. One bitter guy but hey, one is good. No Mr. Peacock. (hehehe)

I started looking around for something to do to kill time and saw a 'spa' place. Mani/Pedi/Massage. So, I rocked up and got a pedicure. More expensive (3x) than home but I'm worth it and it took up all the time before my flight. Awesome.

Flight to LAX was good. Little turbulent but I was in an exit row (!) and slept with leg room. At one point, I turned around and asked the kid behind me (nicely) to stop kicking my seat. She said she wasn't. The kicking stopped.

Got to LA (weird and dirty air). Strangely enough, the place was crawling with Americans. Proceeded immediately to Quantas counter to check in and go through security (assuming LA would have at least as cool an airport as Vanc, with the really cool stuff behind security). The check-in guy said 'nope, best to stay out'. So, I went up top to food court area and got some takeaway sushi (quite good for what it was) and thought to myself, "What now?" Anywho. Turns out that when one is travelling with a credit card and the realization that one has been denying one's self fun for four months (or more), that one can do what one wants.

I strolled into the bar (Daily Grill) and ordered a Gin and soda and a water. Proceeded to read "Eat, Pray, Love", use the internet and drink. Got another drink. Paid because my server was going. Got another drink and a cheesecake. Good times.

I went through security about an hour and a half before the flight and my gate was right there. LAX is weird because it was a terribly shitty terminal (asthetically like Honolulu, in that it's ugly, dirty, has bad carpet and is full of americans; there is less terrible music and more places to eat, though). The gate I was at opened to the outside. I looked at my boarding pass and saw that I was in a 'B' seat. Middle. Doh Nice, Boys. So I went to the desk and asked the lady if I could have a window seat. She said 'no' but the other girl reminded her which flight it was (I didn't understand what that had to do with anything) and she looked something up and gave me an 'A' seat (window). We boarded busses, which took us to another (nicer) terminal and got on the plane.

It was two levels, which is different for me. I was directed down an aisle to my seat. As I was going through business class, I looked up to see what number I was at so I would know how much further to go.

Hey. Look. I'm there. HOLY SHIT!!! I'M IN BUSINESS CLASS!!!

The guy beside me laughed because he'd had the same surprise. I don't know what it was about the flight but they had put some of the economy passengers into business seats (but with economy service). Who cares about the service?!?!?! I had the seat!!!

Holy shit, the seats are nice. Not like, chair-nice, but leg-room and reclining nice. It was so awesome!!! I got so much sleep. I woke refreshed. I am still laughing thinking about how awesome the seat was. The guy next to me was nice too. We talked. He works for an NGO that helps people develop land for revenue without raping the environment.

So, I arrived in Auckland at 5am, fully refreshed and went through customs. Got to the part where they stamp your passport and ran into a snafu. I didn't have proof of an outgoing ticket. Someone took my passport away and brought it back after a while and let me through. I got through and found a city bus to town. $13. Not bad. I picked my hostel by it being the first one on the list in the Lonely Planet guide.

I got there at about 6:30am and found out that check-in is noon. So, left a bag (after making a reservation) and went out to look for internet. Nowhere was open. I thought for a bit and remembered that the Lonely Planet guide had said there was a good breakfast cafe around. So, decided to wander over there. Couldn't find the street. Then, couldn't find the place. So I went to a different cafe. Had bacon, eggs and toast. The bacon looked like real and the toast had seeds and stuff in it. Coffee was good. Got a flat white. Don't know what that is.

Left the cafe thinking of things I needed. Like an umbrella, a stamp and a journal for class stuff.

Found a stationarier. Got the journal and a sweet pen and a stamp. Mum's letter got mailed.

Anyways. Wandered back to the hostel and asked if I couldn't check in, could I *please* have a shower?

And what a glorious shower it was. The desk clerk directed me to the handicapped bathroom and I got all clean. It was awesome. Bit weird drying myself with the towel I brought (travel towel. About 3x5inches) But I was clean. So very clean.

Left the hostel and wandered down the block to the internet place I'm now at. Stopped at ANZ to see about opening an account. No hassle at all. Money is all deposited. $2000=$2400 and I have an EFTPOS card. Sweet as.

Now, I'm doing the internet thing and thinking about going up the coast tomorrow. We'll see. TTYL.

Post the Second: 2 Sheets

2008-04-30T20:05:00.000-05:00

I have to say, traveling with money is the way to go. I have been sitting in a bar for the past couple of hours and I don't mind not knowing the price of my precious, precious gin before I order. I am not planning on going 'wild' this trip but knowing I have a $5000 cushion is great. I love credit cards. I have bought the internet, lunch, a pedicure and *GIN* with it. I am not going to be using it in NZ and OZ when I can help it but there's nothing I can't do. I wanted a pedicure, so I had one before my flight to LA. It was good. Three times as expensive as the ones I get in Brandon, but I am being good to myself today because being mean isn't working. And by 'isn't working', I mean "A terrible, terrible idea". The gin is fun because I can relax and stuff. I know, that makes me sound like an alcoholic. But (and here's the 'justification') it was two drinks and I wanted them and GODDAMMMIT! I am taking them! I don't usually drug myself but this is awesome! It makes me forget the self-loathing and not feel it as acutely as I have been.

Post the First: LAX

2008-04-30T18:05:00.000-05:00

Well, I'm at LAX. I'm feeling a little nauseous and I have some intracranial pressure. I forget sometimes how much this is a foreign country. People watching is fun here. There are so many people! And they are all weird! I checked into my flight 5 and a half hours before my boarding time. The guy at the desk ended up being nicer than I thought he would be.

Sushi for lunch. I love Japanese accents (at least, stereotypical female ones).

Ooo. Before I forget, I heard some hardcore southern accents. Like, I didn't know what one guy was saying. It was kinda awesome.

It hit me as we were coming in to land. I am in Los Angeles. Los. Freaking. Angeles. Wil Wheaton, Tony Pierce and Kevin Smith live here. Most people from TV and movies live here. That's weird. And cool.

I don't want to be 'the guy' that is all excited by famous people but still. Wil Wheaton. Wesley Freaking Crusher! Man, I've had a bit of a crush on him for ages. Now, it's more of a crush on his writing than on his Tiger Beat(tm) good looks. But it's still a bit of a crush.

Alright. I'm going to find somewhere to knock back a few. I'll talk to you later.

Excellent Quote

2008-04-19T12:51:00.001-05:00

The gunshot echoed like a ghost with nobody to haunt. - Dan Kaufman. From a Penny Arcade contest. I love it.

I also like "For sale: baby shoes, never worn." - Ernest Hemingway

2008-03-30T17:13:00.000-05:00

Raybon Kan (from the Sunday Star Times; March 2008):

But let’s agree on a fact. China is a repressive country without free expression. The Chinese government censors news from its people. They censor the internet. And the foreign media can’t report from within.

Much the way I don’t think the North Korean government should run North Korea, I believe China shouldn’t run Tibet. Also, I don’t think the Chinese government should run Guangzhou or Beijing or Tiananmen Square. Maybe I’m just hung up on that whole voting thing.

Shooting people for expressing dissent, is the problem.

It’s not just a domestic matter for China.

Pretend the Chinese government was shooting pandas. Imagine the outcry. But monks, well. They’re not endangered.

And we know deep down why we’re being quiet. For the free trade agreement. With a country that isn’t free. For the moola.

Good grief. We close shops at Easter and prosecute the shops that open for the sake of some execution 2000 years ago. Yet, while people are being executed right now, we shut up about it because we want to open shop with China.

High Flight

2008-03-10T04:50:00.002-05:00

by Pilot Officer Gillespie Magee, No 412 squadron, RCAF, Killed 11 December 1941

Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth
Of sun-split clouds - and done a hundred things
You have not dreamed of - wheeled and soared and swung
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung
My eager craft through footless halls of air.
Up, up the long delirious, burning blue,
I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace
Where never lark, or even eagle flew -
And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod
The high untresspassed sanctity of space,
Put out my hand and touched the face of God.

The Passionate Shepherd to His Love

2008-03-10T04:45:00.001-05:00

Come live with me and be my love
Christopher Marlowe

Come live with me and be my love,
And we will all the pleasures prove
That valleys, groves, hills, and fields,
Woods or steepy mountain yields.

And we will sit upon the rocks,
Seeing the shepherds feed their flocks,
By shallow rivers to whose falls
Melodious birds sing madrigals.

And I will make thee beds of roses
And a thousand fragrant posies,
A cap of flowers, and a kirtle
Embroidered all with leaves of myrtle;

A gown made of the finest wool
Which from our pretty lambs we pull;
Fair lined slippers for the cold,
With buckles of th purest gold;

A belt of straw and ivy buds,
With coral clasps and amber studs:
And if these pleasures may thee move,
Come live with me and be my love.

The shepherds' swains shall dance and sing
For thy delight each May morning:
If these delights thy mind may move,
Then live with me and be my love.

Internet Communities

2008-02-26T01:02:00.001-06:00

Elaine Enarson said that she didn't believe that the internet was a community. Or had communities.

I would disagree. I feel more connected to people with the internet.

I can interact, share stories, learn things and entertain myself and others online.

And I can control the interaction. I can read PostSecret and open my heart to their stories and connect with them and their pain.

And I can do this all while controlling the interaction so that I don't get hurt.

If I could, I would be a semi-hermit.

I don't like people. They make me feel uncomfortable.

I 'always' say something 'wrong'.

I went to the Tai Chi New Year's Dinner a couple weeks ago and it felt like I was getting ready to go on stage.

The more time I spend alone (Mum is in New Zealand), the less I want to spend with people.

Oh, sure. There are some people who I don't mind spending time with when I'm like this. But I prefer they come over or we go somewhere in public that isn't really with people.

And I can pretty much count the people I want to spend time with on my fingers.

I would like this hellish week to be over.

angryjournalist.com I'm 1051.

Note from Facebook

2007-04-27T13:32:00.001-05:00

10 Years ago.......................

1.) How old were you: 14
2.) Where did you go to school: Crocus Plains Regional Secondary School
3.) Where did you work: Baby Sitting
4.) Where did you live: Cottonwood
5.) Where did you hang out: In my room, avoiding Calvin
6.) Did you wear glasses: yes
7.) Who was your best friend: Megan/Brianne/thoughts of death
8.) Who was your regular-person crush: Kyle McManus
9.) How many tattoos did you have: Zero
10.) How many piercings did you have: two holes in each ear
11.) What car did you drive: A sweetsweet CCM (It was black and purple)
12.) Had you been to a real party: yes
13.) Had your heart broken: yes
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: I made bitter look *good*

Five years ago.......................

1.) How old were you: 19
2.) Where did you go to school? Nowhere
3.) Where did you work: Westman Lab
4.) Where did you live: Hell
5.) Where did you hang out: My parent's basement in a housecoat and sweats, watching Star Trek whist being on the computer ~300 hours a day
6.) Did u wear glasses?: Yup
7.) Who was your best friend: Megan/Brianne
8.) Who was your regular-person crush: Calvin
9.) How many tattoos did you have: Zilch
10.) How many piercings did you have: same as at 14
11.) What car did you drive: A little red toyota truck
12.) Had you been to a real party: Not since gr. 9
13.) Had your heart broken: yes
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: single

Present Day.......................

1.) How old are you: 24
2.) Where do you go to school: Brandon University
3.) Where do you work: Brandon Regional Health Authority, Mental Health Services
4.) Where do you live: Home
5.) Where do you hang out: Home, Dekker or School
6.) Do you wear glasses: I do
7.) Who is your best friend: Megan/Brianne/Julie
8.) Who is your regular-person crush: I'm trying to talk myself out of it. (No, it's not Matt)
9.) How many tattoos do you have: same as usual
10.) How many piercings do you have: see above
11.) What car do you drive: Nissan Maxima but I'm in the market for a Toyota truck
12.) Had you been to a real party: I *am* the party
13.) Had your heart broken: yes
14.) Single/Taken/Married/Divorced/Bitter: single

Unsupervised New Zealand

2007-02-13T13:10:00.002-06:00

"Ms. Pac-Man will always be associated with the head shop in Sunland, where I got to the pretzel level the first time I ever played the game while my mom was, uh, shopping, in that area behind the saloon doors that was just for grown-ups."

I was just reading Wil Wheaton's SuicideGirls post and came across this paragraph. The paragraph reached out of the screen and grabbed the front of my shirt and stuffed me into the WayBack machine.

I can't stop smiling.

The memory of being in New Zealand came flooding back.

I think we were in at the Bay of Islands. It was the middle of the afternoon and we were walking around some town. Mum and dad went into a bar and said they'd be back later. R and I (12 and 16) were left loose on the town. We wandered around and looked at stuff. R climbed a tree. It was awesome. We got bored after about an hour and a half and wandered back to the bar and waited for mum and dad.

How many parents would do something like this? It was so cool. I don't know of anyone anymore who would just let a 12 year old and a 16 year old wander around a strange town in a foreign country.

Yeah. I'm happy.

How it smells

2007-02-11T14:38:00.001-06:00

Do you remember? How much do you remember? I was digging around in Billi's archieves and found two entries avec moi. 1 and 2 It takes me back to being 19 and 20 and meeting her in a bar and getting up all my courage to ask her out and how nervous I was driving into Winnipeg. I was in Winnipeg four times that February. I was planning my trip to Australia and was visiting the travel agent and the passport office. I got to town early and wanted to pick up flowers but I couldn't find a place that sold them. I was driving the Buick Skylark (which two days later, wouldn't start. I told Rod that it wasn't sounding right. He didn't believe me. Yeah. The engine seized.) Anyways. We went to Masawa and Billi ordered. I'd never eatten Ethiopian before. The food came on a big plate and was really hot. 'Really hot' doesn't describe how hot this food was. This was before I'd lived anywhere but Brandon. I'd never *really* eatten 'foreign' food before. So, I'm eatting away, shaking from nerves, and my mouth is killing me. But I say nothing. Because I'm cool and I want her to like me. Yeah. Pretty cool. I excuse myself to go to the bathroom and she notices the tears in my eyes and the shortness of breath. "Is it too hot?" she asks. "A little" I say. We both laugh and I go to the bathroom to rinse my mouth and scrape my tongue and when I get back, she's ordered me a glass of milk. Which is, to this day, one of the nicest things anyone has ever done for me. We flag a waitress and order dessert. The restaurant is filling up quickly and we are lingering too long. A waitress comes and asks if we're almost done. We tell her we've just ordered dessert. She says they'll move us to a different table. We stand up, the table is cleared and other people (basically) dive for the seats. The table they're moving us to is not ready, so we stand in the middle of a packed restaurant and wait. And wait. And wait. She turns to me (with the biggest, wettest brown eyes in the world, and when I'm done drowning in them) asks if I think we should just go. Well, I'm high as a kite on the adrenaline so I say yes because I'm cool, I'm on my first date with a girl, and I'm tired of waiting. We leave. "What do you want to do?" We rented a movie. Reservoir Dogs. Someone (I'm not going to say who but someone) miss pronounces Harvey Keitel's last name (keep in mind that Billi is a film major and I'd been living at home, in Brandon and my major rebellion had been to check out other churches). I don't remember much of the movie. I was too in awe of Billi and we kept talking. When the movie was done, she took me to her room and showed me Zim and Slash. We discussed our mutual enjoyment of text-based pornography. I thanked her for a lovely evening and we kissed (awkwardly. Could you see it happening *any* other way?). I drove back to my aunt's. So. That is what happend. The link to the date vanished 4+ years ago when the LegoBoard disappeared. I still remember how I felt, what everything smelled like, the feelings that I had. I wish I'd taken advantage of that time and been more adventurous. That was before I found myself in Australia, though. Julie and I were talking last week and she mentioned that my next birthday would be 25. I don't feel this old. I feel 21. I'm doing now what I 'should' have done at 21 but couldn't because I didn't know how. *whiny voice* this is unfair!!!*/whiny voice* I don't know. I just don't know. I want a lot of things. I feel restless. I ... just don't know. *squee* She called me pretty!!!

Wish List '06

2006-12-02T03:15:00.001-06:00

Stuff I'd Like

~ Donations to charities (animals or 'hand up, not hand out' kinds of things)

~ Volunteer your time for something that helps other people

~ Preacher TPBs 4-?

~ Detective Batman #753,755,756 (in mint+ condition, if possible)

~ A good short story that is almost...lifechanging when read.

~ Something I think we all know that I think I want but I don't know if I want, I'll let you know in January or so if I want it or wanted it or don't want it.

Quiz Results

2005-02-17T17:17:00.001-06:00

You scored as alternative. You're partially respected for being an individual in a conformist world yet others take you as a radical. You have no place in society because you choose not to belong there - you're the luckiest of them all, even if your parents are completely ashamed of you. Just don't take drugs ok?

alternative

75%

Upper middle Class

63%

Luxurious Upper Class

50%

Middle Class

50%

Lower Class

38%

What Social Status are you?
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Deteriorata - Courtesy of 665

2004-02-07T21:51:00.001-06:00

Taken from http://www.sixsixfive.com

(Note from JSP: I did not write this. It's a parody of the once-popular Desiderata, and it originally appeared in National Lampoon a very long time ago, possibly before I was born, I don't remember for sure. It was written by Tony Hendra. National Lampoon was a favorite read of mine, growing up, and in many ways shaped my sense of humor. This work was one of my favorite things from it, and a lot of people these days have never had a chance to read it. So, reprinted quite without permission, here it is.)

Go placidly amid the noise and waste, and remember what comfort there may be in owning a piece thereof. Avoid quiet and passive persons, unless you are in need of sleep. Rotate your tires. Speak glowingly of those greater than yourself, and heed well their advice, even though they be turkeys. Know what to kiss, and when. Consider that two wrongs never make a right, but that three do. Wherever possible, put people on hold. Be comforted, that in the face of all aridity and disillusionment, and despite the changing fortunes of time, there is always a big future in computer maintenance.

Remember the Pueblo. Strive at all times to bend, fold, spindle, and mutilate. Know yourself; if you need help, call the F.B.I. Exercise caution in your daily affairs, especially with those persons closest to you; that lemon on your left, for instance. Be assured that a walk through the ocean of most souls will scarcely get your feet wet. Fall not in love therefore; it will stick to your face. Gracefully surrender the things of youth; birds, clean air, tuna, Taiwan. And let not the sand of time get into your lunch. Hire people with hooks. For a good time, call 606-4311; ask for Ken. Take heart in the deepening gloom that your dog is finally getting enough cheese. And reflect that whatever misfortune may be your lot, it could only be worse in Milwaukee.

You are a fluke of the universe. You have no right to be here. And whether you can hear it or not, the universe is laughing behind your back.

Therefore, make peace with your god, whatever you conceive him to be -- hairy thunderer or cosmic muffin. With all its hopes, dreams, promises, and urban renewal, the world continues to deteriorate.

Give up.

Blues Singing Instructions (R.I.P. Tangomania)

2003-01-27T15:31:00.002-06:00

This was posted on Tangomania by AKA and I think it's too good to lose.

If you are new to Blues music, or like it but never really understood the why/wherefore, here are some very fundamental rules.

1. Most Blues begin with: "Woke up this morning..."

2. "I got a good woman" is a bad way to begin the Blues, unless you stick something nasty in the next line like, "I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town."

3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes sort of: "Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Yes, I got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Margaret Thatcher and she weigh 500 pound,"

4. The Blues is not about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch ain't no way out.

5. Blues cars: Chevys, Fords, Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don't travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft and state-sponsored motor pools ain't even in the running. Walkin' plays a major part in the Blues lifestyle. So does fixin' to die.

6. Teenagers can't sing the Blues. They ain't fixin' to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, "adulthood" means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.

7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or anywhere in Canada. Hard times in Minneapolis or Seattle is probably just clinical depression. Chicago, St. Louis and Kansas City are still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the Blues in any place that don't get rain.

8. A man with male pattern baldness ain't the Blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. Breaking your leg 'cause you were skiing is not the Blues. Breaking your leg 'cause a alligator be chomping on it is.

9. You can't have no Blues in an office or a shopping mall. The lighting is wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.

10. Good places for the Blues:

a. highway

b. jailhouse

c. empty bed

d. bottom of a whiskey glass

11. Bad places for the Blues:

a. Nordstrom's

b. gallery openings

c. Ivy League institutions

d. golf courses

12. No one will believe it's the Blues if you wear a suit, 'less you happen to be an old ethnic person, and you slept in it.

13. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:

a. you older than dirt

b. you blind

c. you shot a man in Memphis

d. you can't be satisfied

No, if:

a. you have all your teeth

b. you were once blind but now can see

c. the man in Memphis lived

d. you have a 401K or trust fund.

14. Blues is not a matter of color. It's a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the Blues. Sonny Liston could have. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the Blues.

15. If you ask for water and your darlin' give you gasoline, it's the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:

a. cheap wine (white zinfandel)

b. whiskey or bourbon

c. muddy water

d. black coffee

The following are NOT Blues beverages:

a. Perrier

b. Chardonnay

c. Snapple

d. Slim Fast

16. If death occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it's a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So are the electric chair, substance abuse and dying lonely on a broken cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.

17. Some Blues names for women:

a. Sadie

b. Big Mama

c. Bessie

d. Fat River Dumpling

18. Some Blues names for men:

a. Joe

b. Willie

c. Little Willie

d. Big Willie

19. Persons with names like Michelle, Amber, Jennifer, Debbie, and Heather can't sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.

20. Make your own Blues name Starter Kit:

a. name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)

b. first name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)

c. last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.) For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, Jakeleg Lemon Johnson or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (well, maybe not "Kiwi")

21. I don't care how tragic your life: if you own a computer, you cannot sing the blues!

Walk by MadKow (R.I.P. TangoMania)

2002-12-12T23:35:00.001-06:00

“Walk” by Mad Kow

There comes a time
In every lifetime
When all the things you come to value fall behind
The road you hoe
Divides to high and low
There is no way of knowing what they bring, and so
Depending on which path you walk, upon which road you took
There arises new horizons that reconfigure your outlook
But when you turn around and see just what you’ve come through
The difference shows in every round and bend you come to
It matters not where you started from
Everyone comes from one place
It all depends on where you turn and stop and stay
For there is no set course, it’s up to you to find the way

Girl on the Subway - Courtesy of 665

2002-12-12T11:03:00.001-06:00

This was borrowed from sixsixfive.com. It's a wonderful website. Check it out. I just want more people to go there.

It is early January of 2001 and I am sitting on a train heading for Boston's South Station. I am tired and I look sort of like hell, and I am dressed down. I have forgotten my sketchbook and anything to read or write. Consequently I am very bored. The train stops, it goes. It picks people up, it drops people off. I still have a lot more stops. I have always been fascinated by the subway for some reason. At few other times do I wonder about the people around me, what their stories are, who they are, where they're going. I am staring out the window. The train stops. I still have a long way to go.

A woman steps onto the train, bundled against the bitter New England cold. She is maybe my age, maybe slightly older. She is the sort of woman often described as mousy - she is wearing glasses and her hair is done up and back in a fairly prim and tight manner, held there with what appears to be a gold-colored hair clip - one of those that works along the same principle as a barrette but is significantly more ornate and is usually worn at the rear center of the head. The glasses are wire frame. She is wearing fuzzy gloves, a fairly warm-looking black jacket, and a scarf. Her body language speaks volumes; she is pulled-in, she is withdrawn. She radiates shyness and nervousness, and looks to be protecting herself from not only the cold, but something else as well, something far less tangible but more threatening, to her, anyway. She is now sitting directly across from me.

I don't know why she is fascinating me so, but either I am being furtive enough or she just doesn't notice that I trying to look at her without being exceptionally obvious. It's warm enough on the train but still she is withdrawn, as if shielding herself from human contact. She is very plain, and looks for all the world like a librarian or similar. Then, apparently assured that no one will bother her, she begins the process of grooming in some minor way.

This is when I begin to notice. She starts by undoing her coat and removing her scarf, then her gloves, then the coat. She is wearing a red sweater and black pants. After this, she removes her glasses and sets them down on her lap. Finally, she takes the clip out of her hair.

Suddenly, she is breathtakingly gorgeous.

I know no other way to describe it. With her glasses off and hair down, she is another person entirely. Her blonde hair is down about to her shoulders, and it's healthy and lovely. It frames the sort of face people start fights over; her eyes are heavy-lidded but sparkling, and her lips are in a permanent pout. She looks detached in a wonderfully alluring way. I am trying not to stare. The glamorous creature sitting across from me is thrown into sharper focus by the plain, nervous woman she was thirty seconds ago. She looks confident now, almost bored. Calmly, she begins brushing her hair. Even strokes, practiced and methodical. It's fascinating to watch her. Brush...brush...brush...I realize I am staring. She is too busy brushing to notice.

She is finished brushing. She puts the brush back in her bag, and then does something that proves more fascinating than anything she has done all night: She puts her hair back up, making sure that no more hairs are out of place than are absolutely necessary, and once more dons her glasses. As she does, her entire demeanor changes again. She is once more withdrawn. Her face has altered in no subtle way. She is plain again. She is a nobody. I don't know why but this floors me. At the time this seems like a twist ending of sorts; she went from unspectacular to stunning and then back again. I almost want to ask her why she doesn't get contacts. I just sit quietly. She looks as introverted and worried as she had when she got on the train.

It is my stop. I stand up and get off the train, and make a mental note to write about this later. The doors close behind me, and the train rumbles off into the night.