THANK YOU FOR EXCUSING THE PROFANITY. REALLY, I DO HAVE A LARGE VOCABULARY. I JUST LIKE 'FUCK'ING

Dear Djruuh,

I apologise if I sounded harsh this evening. I know you aren't used to it, but I need you to know that rebelling at every step is my thing, my thing that I do. So, when we *HAVE* to do something, especially for www.gc.ca, I want to subvert it to prove it an important point that we have the power, not it. I know that I have certain responsibilities because of my citizenship but I refuse to bow to bureaucracy just because of how bureaucracy and institutions believe it MUST be done.

So, when I ask you something, like about wedding vows, I need you to actually tell me what you actually think. I don't care to have a legal wedding. I hate the involvement of unnecessary people and unnecessary words. I care about what we want to have AND IT'S FUCKING TOUGH RIGHT NOW TO KNOW WHAT IS GOING ON. I mean, I know you are beyond stressed with what you are going through but I need snap decisions. Surely you know if you like something or you don't. Please just say it. I'm tired and I don't want to dig around to find your meaning or even to see if you actually mean something. I'm sitting here, alone (5 stupid months in, 11 (and when I say "11", I mean "9". That just took me five tries. I'm so stressed I can neither count nor SAY THE MONTHS OF THE YEAR) stupid months to go) and worrying myself to insomnia about this.

I NEED YOU TO TELL ME WHAT YOU MEAN AND WHAT YOU WANT. I AM THIS CLOSE TO BURNING DOWN YOUR ALMA MATER. THERE IS NO REASON ONE PERSON NEEDS EVERY SINGLE PIECE OF INFORMATION EVER AND THEN SIX MONTHS TO THINK ABOUT IT.

I apologise for getting shouty just there. But in our lives together, please be advised that quick decisions with what information we have on hand is a good way of doing it. This is not your work. Decisions DO NOT matter as much (in so far as they can be changed, scraped, modified, etc). Nothing is at stake here EXCEPT MY PEACE OF MIND, APPARENTLY.

I'm going to need you to sign a waiver that you understand that I'm crazy and that I'm not willing, at this point, to change. Especially, apparently, until I'm post-menopausal.

I get crazy:
~ anxiety
~ mood swings, both hormonal and seasonal
~ ideas
~ schemes
~ etc.

I have had to WAIT my entire life for someone else to "feel it" before making a decision. I'm tired of subverting myself and WAITING ALL THE TIME. Neither of my parents could make a snap-fucking-decision to save my life and I'm tired of SHOVING all of that energy BACK INSIDE just because someone needs some time to think. And I'm not saying you can't think about stuff. I'm saying that you can't THINK ABOUT EVERYTHING ALL THE TIME AND WE CAN JUST WAIT UNTIL YOU HAVE THOUGHT IT ALL OUT AND THEN YOU CAN THINK SOME MORE. And I know you don't do that and I know that I'm exaggerating because the crazy makes me forget EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. SOMETHING. HAS. WORKED. OUT. FOR. ME. BUT STILL!

I don't even want a wedding and now we're having one IN THREE WEEKS. And I'm sorry you're on exercise and working nights and getting ready to deploy and more interested in sleep. BUT THIS IS REALLY IMPORTANT RIGHT NOW to my brain. And I need you to make the crazy stop.

You are the person who sees me at my worst, and for that, I apologise. And you are the person who makes me feel the most sane, and again, I apologise for the burden.

I used to wonder about Nicole. Jeff always made her more sane. AND NOW I KNOW WHAT THAT IS LIKE. And I'm of two minds about it. I mean, I can do everything for myself but when it involves you, I want you there every step of the way. Just give me clear direction. Tell me, unequivocally, what you want. I will make it happen. And not in a subverting myself kind of way. I will make both of us happy. But I need to know. I don't want you to do what you did tonight, with the first draft of the vows. Do not go "that sounds good. let's change all our plans and get rings." if that is not what you REALLYREALLYREALLY want.

We CAN have the wedding we both want but (and I can't stress this enough) YOU HAVE TO ACTUALLY TELL ME WHAT YOU WANT. When you say "that sounds good. let's change all our plans and get rings." and I say "I hate those vows and didn't you not want rings right now?" and you're all "right. they're a bit much and let's not get rings." I GET REALLY FUCKING CONFUSED.

PLEASE TELL ME WHAT YOU ACTUALLY WANT. RIGHT NOW. (What you want right now AND please tell me right now)

Thankyou.
Crazy, your fiancée.

P.S. Please take this as pertaining to the rest of our lives, too. Tell me what you want. I will never change my mind solely based on what your opinion is. I will tell you what I think. We will find someway of both of us being happy. Pick a decision. Say it. I'll say mine. Be prepared to show your work. I can back mine up. We will either agree, compromise, or agree to disagree - do not worry about it. We are coming from families of origin with different communication styles than either of us are completely comfortable with incorporating into our new family. I promise to not be easily hurt because you disagree with me, unless you are wrong (j/k).