I've taken my eye off the prize

I sure have! I don't know what I'm doing with my life. I don't know where I'm going. I currently feel like I have no goals and no purpose. I work. I go to class. I don't do any school work. (Seriously. I have the fucking time and resources and everything.)

AND I KNOW HOW EASILY EVERYTHING COMES TO ME WHEN I PUT EVEN A MODEST AMOUNT OF EFFORT INTO IT!!!

I can write. I understand the material. I have the physical skill (re: clay). I am just not working towards anything. There is no reward. My grades are fucked this semester anyways. I spent much of this semester freaking out and so that doesn't help.

I don't even want to go to school next year. Mainly because it'd be my last year and then what would I do? Besides, if(when) I get kicked out (again), do I even want to appeal it?

I need a goal. I need a purpose. I want a reason.

I'm tired of starting things and not finishing them. I'm tired of being out of shape. I'm tired of not fitting the 'pretty' clothes. I'm tired of feeling like I don't deserve nice things or things being easy. I'm tired of spending money. I'm tired of not having money. I'm tired of being in debt. I'm tired of having too much stuff. I'm tired of having messy living arraignments. I'm tired of having a dirty house. I'm tired of being uninspired to cook. I'm tired of not having the patience to bake. I'm tired of being indoors when there's a whole out of doors that everyone (especially R) enjoys. I'm tired of not seeing R. I'm tired of avoiding my stuff, whilst I hide, and then being away from everyone whilst I try to finish stuff late. This is bologna!

I'm changing this. I don't know how or to what but something's got to give.